Tool Using Mammals

Not that Fox. His name is Michael...

The foxes around our lair house are beginning to show remarkable intelligence. They steal whisky from my neighbors garage (he tried to blame me - HA!), have begun to use bait and string to catch delicious bunnies, and I even saw them playing cards (I believe the game was canasta) at the park last weekend.

As long as they can be kept as allies, I don't have a problem with this. They are quite resourceful after all. But if they step out of line, even just a little, I'm going to drop the hammer and have them captured and shipped to Delaware.

You just can't be too cautious about tool using mammals with enhanced problem solving skills.

Surprise Homunculii

His name is Arturo...

Over the course of the last few months, I noticed that occasionally while I slept my office was getting trashed. Ink was spilled, paper was torn, trash was spread around - a total mess! At first I thought it was the pets, but was able to rule that out by closing the study door at night.

Well - turns out that it was my homunculus! He's a lycanthrope dammit! I picked him up at Cthulu Warehouse last year on sale (I know, I know), and I guess he was a juvenile at the time because he wasn't changing at first. I caught him red handed a couple of weeks ago - the ugliest squirrel you've ever seen - perched on my desk, stained tip to tail with blue ink, and eating the budgie (what a mess! feathers everywhere).

So my problem is this, if I lock him in a cage at night he makes the most horrible screeching, keening noise I've ever heard, and the children complain of nightmares. CW won't take him back, and I've gotten no hits on craigslist. I can't even drain his life force because I don't have the proper exsanguination rig, and honestly this option feels creepy.

Does anyone out there live on a farm, or know of a mythical creatures sanctuary that would take him? I'm at my wits end!

Thx!

-Xix

AOD - Fabled Deeds

As seen on Why They're Single, and OKCupid (natch). Presented here with slight editing.

The dragon's name is Dave...

Hey Des,

You asked to be regaled with tales of Fabled Deeds (sort-of, seemed kind of like a dare...) and I haven't done my writing exercises for the evening so I thought I would engage in the regale - as it were. Perhaps you'll indulge me?

I have had the opportunity for many exploits and fabled deeds as I have been on this planet for several hundred years, and I enjoy time travel, so I've seen some pretty crazy stuff, but I'll keep to some highlights for brevity's sake.

To wit:

I once led a Neanderthal army into battle riding a dinosaur. We fought like champions and won the day, although I lost my lucky pocket knife in the battle, which sucked.

In 1978 got into a sword fight in the lobby of the Egerton House (a 5 star hotel in downtown London) with David Niven, and George Hamilton. David stabbed me in the foot (the little bitch), but George ultimately took my side and we persuaded Dave to put down his weapon and come have a drink. Ever since then when I go to that hotel they treat me like a king!

I've never been lost in the mountains of Pakistan, but I have traveled there many times over the years, and once made an entire village roar with laughter, and 4 people cry.

I defeated Pippi Longstocking in arm wrestling. Twice.

And finally -

Once I saved an entire English village from the black plague by running a garden hose from my house in 1973 Escondido CA to a dry spring in 1348 Shamford England (this is entirely possible with access to a wormhole). Told the local priest that it was blessed by an angel so the whole town started drinking and bathing with the chlorinated water and the pestilence was kept at bay...

Yay!

-Xix

The Singing Dime

Her name is Artemisia...

I've got a singing dime that I've had since I was a kid. I don't carry it around much anymore because it's a distraction, but sometimes when I'm lonely I'll pick it up.

I dropped it in the toilet several years ago and it got stuck in the drain. You could hear it down there on quiet nights. Singing, all bubbly and stuff. I had to tell adult guests that it was the sound of the clogged drains, and I told the kid guests that it was a ghost. If they didn't believe me I would try to come clean about it being a singing dime, but by that point I think they were just confused. :(

I don't know how it got out of the drain, but one morning it was just there; in my nightstand humming quietly. Smug, yet demure.

I love my dime. :)