Groucho Surpriso

High ball, low brow. 

Great Uncle Aloysius was known by many to be a serious, even dour, individual. He worked as a railroad foreman and knew how to keep men at the job be they cheerful, spitting blood, or any mood inbetween. He had five kids-- three boys and two girls, all a year apart-- and lived in a duplex close enough he walked every day, rain or shine. When his youngest was four, Uncle Al caught him throwing stones at the neighbor dog in the alley. He reached into his lunch pail, put on his nose and mustache glasses, and sneaked up behind the boy. Then he yelled “BOOGA” and the boy whipped around with a yelp and wet himself where he stood.


Groucho Surpriso.

There was a man Uncle Al supervised named Dennis, but everyone called him Balls. Balls was not a small man. He was a griper, a moaner, a wiseacre and a poop stirrer, and he liked nothing more than to give lip when Uncle Al had to tell it like it was. Balls had his own little group of passive aggressives and malingerers he liked to rile up when the mood struck. It was on one of these days his “Boatload of Balls”, as they came to be known, were pissing and groaning about as was usual for them right after lunch hour. Uncle Al tried to ignore it, but they were getting so loud it was starting to cause a scene. That’s when he reached into his desk drawer, put on his nose and mustache glasses, and walked right up to Balls.

“Ever wonder how blimps float, Dennis,” he says.

Balls gave him a puckered look.

“Keep talking,” he says.

“You callin me fat,” Balls says.

“What does your wife call you,” Al says.

Lips curled up sore, Balls took a swing, which Uncle Al ducked, and racked himself on a two-by-four poking out of the scrap bin.

Groucho Surpriso.

Grandma Millie’s birthday fell on Valentine’s Day, yet it never made her less of a sourpuss. It was always a gala affair and she expected everyone to attend. It was clear that day, warm, and Mom made me wear a jacket even though it made me sweat. When we arrived, I found my cousins and hurried off to cook up some mischief. We weren’t expected to be there until Grandma opened her presents, after which we’d eat.

That year, Dad decided to give Mom her Valentine’s gift while Grandma opened hers, and they sneaked off to one of the back bedrooms to do so. Not long after, Dad came running down the hall, but it was too late: Grandma already looked in the box that was meant for Mom. I didn’t know what I was seeing when she held it up -- some sort of weird rubber snake thing-- but it sure made all the adults hoot and holler.
Groucho Surpriso.

There was the time Cousin Arnold found nudie pics of his older sister with two guys dressed up like Tonto and The Lone Ranger. Groucho Surpriso.

And when me and the neighbor kid accidentally set fire to the pile of leaves raked to the curb four doors down and the fire department showed up. Groucho Surpriso.

Even the time my best friend gave me homemade chocolates wrapped in tinfoil at school and I spent the rest of the night on the toilet. Groucho Surpriso.

It was a somber day when Great Uncle Al passed, but he went in his sleep, and for that the family was grateful. Everyone gathered at Aunt Winnifred’s-- known to us kids as the “Party House”-- since that’s where grown ups went for cards and cocktails. Aunt Winnie was a bit of a harpy, and less than tactful about her dislike for Grandma Millie.

Now, if you ask anyone, Cousin George or Uncle Webster or even Mom or Dad, the story might not quite tell the same way. Some say Grandma came with Great Aunt Leanne, others will tell you Aunt Winnie was in the kitchen stuffing deviled eggs and puffing a Pall Mall. This is what REALLY happened, caught on film just as Grandma Millie arrived.

Winnie was on her fourth Old Fashioned, smoking and growling like a carnival barker. She swore on Great Uncle Reuben’s deathbed it would be the last time Grandma Millie set foot in her home. Aiming to stay true to her word, she stood behind the door as Grandma entered, prepared to cuss Aunt Millie back to her front step. When Winnie came around and got a good look, Grandma Millie’s jumped out at surprise crossed with Aunt Winnie’s seeing nose and mustache glasses surprise made them run into each other trying to get away and knocked themselves out cold.

Groucho Surpriso!