10 Things I'd Like to do with a Potato Before I Die

I like to imagine that
her name is Melinda

• Menace hand maidens.
• Wear it as a merkin.
• Chuck it at my neighbor Barry's head (really hard).
• Hide it under the seat cushion of my mom's favorite chair.
• Carve it into the shape of a lamb and hide it in my sock drawer.
• Toss it 5 feet into the air and using the power of my mind make it float there. 
• Balance it on my head for one hour (without dropping it).
• Mount it to a church door using a large hunting knife.
• Wrap it in tinfoil and use it as currency in Burkina Faso.
• Cradle it lovingly for 30 minutes every night for a week.